I'm out on the roof of Dragonsreach right now. It's so quiet and peaceful, and Erandur tells me that the sky is beautiful to behold. There have been many things which have changed in my life in the last few days. Not the least of which me realizing that I am a murderous coward who is torn between the life she left and the life she wishes to someday have.
I have killed Aranea. It was the will of Boethia, and though I told myself that I would never consider such an act, I somehow found myself led to the shrine enticed to snare her to the pillar. I then watched in horror as my own hands, by no will of my own, grasped her fair throat and strangled the life from her body. I was horrified. But only for a moment. Then the numbness set in. I was not surprised at all when her corpse reanimated, when the voice of the Daedric goddess spoke through Aranea's hollow body. I listened and obeyed passively when Boethia ordered me to slay all who followed her, and surrounded her shrine. I felt no more remorse, no flicker of shame as one after another loyal followers of the vile Daedric lord fell beneath my fiery spells.
Boethia spoke to me again after this carnage has passed, she instructed me to go to a certain mine and kill another follower of hers who resided there. In retrospect, it was almost as if I was under some sort of charm spell, for without hesitation, I set out upon my journey. As the miles between me, and the shrine of Boethia increased, so did the sway she had over my decisions. I reached a point finally that I will never forget. I stopped by a little river and knelt down. I said a prayer to Mara. Me, the Dunmer who grew up worshiping Azura, being told the divines were worthless...and dabbling in necromancy I prayed to Mara. I asked her for forgiveness for what I had done, and what I was about to do. It was as if she heard my prayer, for my head was cleared of all Daedric influences, it was me, and me alone who charged into the mine, wiped out every soul, retrieved the Ebony mail, and became champion of Boethia. But I am done with the Daedric lords. For now at least. Until I am stronger in spirit, and can more easily fight off their powers. For now I believe I must avoid them or risk becoming another of their mindless followers. They feed off of raw power, and I am not hesitant to say that I am a very powerful dunmer. I'm sure any one of them would love to have my body and strengths to move around like a puppet on display. But that will never happen, I will see to it!
As for why I am in Dragonsreach with the Priest of Mara, Erandur. Well, after I murdered Aranea, retrieved the ebony mail, and returned to Boethia I was still plagued with guilt. Since I was, and still am, positive that Mara is the one who cleared my mind of Boethia's presence I thought perhaps she could also help me with my guilt. I could think of no better man to talk to about this problem than Erandur, seeing as he was stricken with guilt as well for different reasons. So I traveled to Dawnstar and located him. He was immediately sympathetic, but similarly unhelpful. He told me that Mara would help me deal with the guilt, but she would not take it away. To sum up, he told me I may have to deal with these memories for the rest of my life.
I do not welcome that thought, but then again, this is real life, I suppose I should learn to cope with it. That is the main reason that Erandur is accompanying me now. The man that I once wrote in this book I was considering offering to Boethia, is now by my side, helping me to come to terms with the fact that I murdered the only woman whom I have been near to calling a friend. We spent so many days together, fought so many bandits, thieves, trolls, and draugr. She deserved so much better than that. But I must move on.
Erandur has told me that I should focus all of my effort on studying my powers. I explained to him about my ability to shout in the Nordic tongue, and he strongly recommends that we go to High Hrothgar and learn what we can from the Grey Beards. That is why we have traveled to Whiterun, to get some supplies before setting off up the mountain. He is helping me. But at the same time, this man has some dark secrets as well. Perhaps that is why he is able to understand my pain so well.
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